Unlike my bank account and my patience, my weight is increasing steadily – with no recession or double dip in sight -( although Double Dip does sound like a good name for a two flavoured ice cream, but i digress)
All my life I have been the flat stomached, small waisted,skinny type – with a butt I hated that was most certainly out of proportion..which obviously meant my life could never be fully successful on any level. (The present celebration of the rotund derriere , although welcome to some degree, arrived about thirty years too late to save my self esteem!)
Growing up – and then out at the back- in the seventies and eighties was bittersweet. Yes , we had no internet to bombard us 24/7 with images of the perfect body – but we had Cindy Crawford and Elle MacPherson!
Actually, I always said size doesn’t matter ..but I was so wrong !!( And should have put my skinny little hand over my big fat mouth!)) Size SHOULDN’T matter, but it does. It matters when you are skinny, that you don’t have the lumps and bumps in the right places – it matters when you are larger, when you have more lumps n bumps than places..it just MATTERS.
WHY? Seriously, why?
Does a pound or ounce ..or in some cases a few stone, REALLY make a difference to a person’s character? Do thin people murder more than the pleasantly plump? Are more robberies committed by the overweight burglar than their skinny malinky counterparts? I THINK NOT……
I remember being a horrible child. (I could just finish with that sentence, but I won’t!) when , even as young as five, anyone new/overweight/superskinny/different fell victim to stares, giggles, pointy fingers and childish derision from a gaggle of girls in the class…WHY? How did our innocent little minds get polluted so quickly? SAD!
I never really struggled with my weight until the past two years, when I became disabled – through suffering chronic pain …..requiring more drugs daily than the characters of Trainspotting put together!! – Now..the pounds, ounces, stones even kilos have piled on and I am THREE dress sizes bigger..( On the plus side..well, on ANOTHER plus side, I need a new wardrobe!!) I fully understand the battle for NICE clothes for us larger ladies..come on, I may be curvy but im not ready for crimpolene!!!
I would love to say I dont care that I am bigger now..but I do. I hate the way my body looks and I avoid mirrors at all costs. Even my face has betrayed me and ballooned up like a football.
I want to be the kind of Christian woman who doesnt care a jot what size I am. I want to show the love of Christ to all I meet, I want to be a help wherever I can , live my life looking to others, read my Bible, live what I read, always be there for others and not be concerned with trivial things like my looks and weight..well..I DON’T QUITE MANAGE!!!
I am still concerned with how I look..why? I am hardly in the public eye or even in the workplace. I am too sick to work and spend about 70% of my life on my own. So, having more tyres than Kwik Fit shouldnt really matter, right? WRONG.
.I see the images of the perfect people..the photoshopped, half starved CELEBRITIES….or I see the perfectly toned abs of those girls and women who work out….and I feel inferior.
A voice in my head starts to condemn me for being such a slob. Sure, I can answer back with the fact that I can’t help it, I can’t walk, sit or stand for any length of time and I’m in constant , chronic pain..surely thats a good excuse? I take loads of medication and the side effect of one is weight gain..again, surely I should feel no guilt, right?
WRONG, Nothing seems to stop the disgust I feel at the way my body blobs and ripples. I think I can probably hide a whole selection box in my spare tyres…( which of course I would eat before I hid anyway)…I just surrender to self loathing ..and another pack of chocolate prezels.
It makes me mad when I think of how shallow I really am..after all, would losing this three stone make me any more like Jesus?…
Obviously not, but it would do wonders for my self esteem..and that is WRONG!!
At the ripe young age of 51 I really should know better..Martin Luther King Jr didnt want his three little children judged by the size of their butts instead of the colour of their skin!!!
I look at my body shape and it brings instant and intense condemnation. It doesnt matter that I can’t help most of the weight gain..( ok, nobody forces the ten tonne of peanut M&Ms I inhale of an evening)..my lack of excercise and medication are responsible..I should be stronger and more focused on the positive things in my life. Things that really matter…instead I allow a jelly belly to derail my Spiritual and creative journey…I also reach for the comfort of a choccy biscuit. Well, nothing like a jaffa cake to make things better. Except maybe two…or three..
You see, I still equate my outer shape with my iner self. If I look good, I feel good.
Yet, every now and again, I get it. IT. The Truth that I am so much more than the sum of my body parts..I am a mother, a friend, a daughter, a fellow mesh activist, a wannabe Evangelist and so much more.
I am every smile, every conversation, every Prayer, every song, every ooohhh, every aaahhh, every sha la la la….
I am NOT the person in the mirror, I am the person in my heart. I care, I feel , I want to share, tell stories, make people laugh..I don’t want to be weighed down by yearnings to be thinner or more toned….(weighed down, see what I did there ?)..I want to live each day to the maxxxxxx…….or xxl!!
Who really cares if my jeans are now capable of housing a colony of monkeys? Thats putting something back into this beautiful Creation..
Who doesnt have cellulite that has ever tasted food/life? It just means I can offer a pot-holing club somewhere to practise on my derriere..
Who will lose sleep if I burst the zip on my size 14 dress before friends wedding? The colourful kimono drew many an admiring glance…
When I can’t write/stand/sit/lie out because I am crying with pain…no amount of toned abs can compensate for the COMFORT three walnut whips will bring….
So what to do? How can I get healthy without getting off the couch?
The answer is to move a muscle..my mind!!! ( Dunno if this is anatomically correct now, but hey it’s my blog)..The Bible speaks of being TRANSFORMED by the RENEWING of my mind. I need to let go of guilt and condemnation and take hold of truth and perspective.
I can love my neighbour as myself..without doing a thousand sit ups!
I can stop listening to the LIE that how I look defines me..I can choose to trust that my heart and soul matter more than my size and shape…and get on with the things that make me ME!!!!!!!!!!
It’s too late to claim back yesterdays tears or foodfests, and tomorrow may bring a crisis only a cheeseburger will help….but today, TODAY , I can be ME..Lorna Jane Farrell who is on a journey of discovery and a road trip to Revelation. I want to tell stories, find out other peoples..write more, love more, laugh more..do some more comedy..learn a disabled sport..spend more time with my twenty something sons… watch some classic movies..write some classic movies…get an Oscar for writing my classic movies….spend time reading my Bible..spend more time with God..with Jesus..with the Holy Spirit….cope with my pain and limitations better……LIVE!!!!
None of the above requires a particular size – you cant be too fat or too skinny to laugh or love!
So I am determined..not to lose some pounds..but to lose the bad attitude about them. Yes, my clothes are bigger and darker..yes my skin glows more with sweat than healthiness..but on the INSIDE, I am hoping to change. I am hoping that I will ENCOURAGE myself rather than criticize..I want the big fat skinny little sound of self loathing to STOP!!
I am way more than my measurements, I am the person God created me to be..and as a Christian I have the greatest role model ever, JESUS CHRIST..Who I don’t think was ever measured by His robe size or sandal shade.
I want to share with you a FACT…What you look like is slightly important..as is the accent you have, the job you do, the country you come from, the way you walk…only slightly! These things are mere accessories to who you are..to the great reality of who you have become.As important as a handbag or tie …they make a difference externally but dont define or contain the person you are..YEEHAHHHHHH…
Large or small, toned or flabby…really what matters is your character. Sure, I need to work on that too – but I can cut myself some slack about my appearance. After all, for years I was a size 8/10 and was not happy then either. We always see something to change, something to criticize about ourselves..it is so UNHEALTHY!!
I am really going to try to curb this issue – to try to enjoy being me TODAY..Not hanging onto my toned tummy past or imagining how good it would be next month to lose a few stone..no, I AM ME..ALL BLOBBY AND DIMPLED…and all ready to embrace life whatever my size…
I still want to lose weight, but my life is not on hold till I do. I plan to write more comedy sketches and accept some speaking engagements..not hide with a sign saying BEWARE, OVERWEIGHT PERSON INSIDE over my door!
We are a funny lot! Together we make up society, and society says women should look a certain way..yet individually, anyone I know says they have no such thoughts..so who is it? Who has blagged some extra votes in society and demands we emulate either a Kardashian or a supermodel? (Who incidentally have to work /deny themselves so hard or use surgery to achieve their “perfection”)……
Obviously I am writing from a female perspective..but my fiends of the opposite sex are under considerable pressure too..after all, Brad, Johnny , Orlando, Channing and co are not exactly carrying moobs, love handles and a belly full of beer!! (At least not in the publicity shots anyway).
So, I am stamping my chubbly little toes down and plonking my bootylicious bahookie on on the couch and I am declaring my mind a condemnmation free zone. I am NOT what I LOOK like, I am what I LOVE like…