I WROTE THIS 2 YEARS AGO….AND ITS STILL SO REAL…….
This week has sucked. This week has been a joy stealing , sorrow bringing, soul kicking, calorie laden, tear strewn MESS!
I have been struggling with very low moods and anxiety..tears flowing and heart pumping one minute, then flatlining emotionally and struggling to raise an eyebrow the next.
My entire body has ached way more than normal..and normal is pretty horrendous! ( Don’t worry avid fans of the chuckle, I shall lighten up in justa few paragraphs….or will I? MUAH HAHAHAHAHAHA) I can usually get through a week with just one or two days like this.but somehow this inconsequential November week has been quite difficult and lamentable, despite the best efforts of a very lovely bunch of peeps known henceforth as my friends.
I have been offered help to get a piece of special furniture that might help me sit/stand a bit better, been sent a beautiful, heartwarming message right at a real low point, had an amazing person offer to check out natural oils as a possible replacement for all the drugs I take and finally, another lovely person offer myself and the bestie accommodation in one of the most beautiful spots on earth for next week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And so I sit typing this from a chalet set in a beautiful hamlet nestling between the hills and lochs of Argyll. I AM BLESSED. REALLY BLESSED.EXTRAORDINARILY SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUSLY BLESSED…..yet….I am crying. Fed up. Sad.
I know, I know..how on earth can I still be tearful? Yet I am. I have feasted my eyes today on such breathtaking views that I shouldve been blue in the face. I am so chest thrustingly proud to be Scottish – although I can’t really take any credit for fashioning old Alba myself- and I love the way her beauty is both rugged and romantic at the same time. The sheer scale of the endless rolling hills has been particularly impressive. ( Note to self, Come here for egg shenanigans at Easter) . It is true, my mood has definitely lifted as I sit and ponder the depth of God’s Power and Creativity underneath an inky blue sky, laden with stars and secrets, but elation is still eluding me.
I seem to be carrying a sorrow that is mocking me. What the heck is wrong? I know I have several issues around…like the fact I will never play for Scotland men’s football team in a world cup ( down to our perpetual failure to qualify rather than any gender issue), the possibility Johnny Depp isn’t for me and the idea that Brexit might mean I can’t get my favourite Swiss chocolate.meh….
Actually – my life is a little bumpy right now…In a wheelbarrow struggling over a mountain kind of way…..but in a mixture of both good and bad.
BOO, I decided not to do a one woman comedy show as I was too ill and couldnt concentrate to start writing it..YAY, I am not going to be terrified to pant wetting stage at the Glasgow International Comedy Festival because I am not performing my unwritten one woman show….
BOO..I haven’t finished getting my already finished book ready for editing yet…YAY..My already written book can’t be rejected by over twenty people because it hasn’t been edited yet..
BOO…My heart is so sore because of the way my life has turned out in this season..YAY…I am still alive even if it is a lousy season!
Actually, as I sit here typing, spoiled by my beautiful surroundings as well as my wonderful friends, I realise I am in good company. ( Not just the bestie, who is taking a wee nap anyway). All my heroes in the Bible and in life had long, dark nights of the soul..otherwise known as “sucky” bits in their lives.
King David- the shepherd boy who killed Goliath, got attacked n chased by the King, became King, had a friend killed cause he had got the said friend’s wife pregnant, lost a baby and had mega problems with his kids…He wrote to God,
“In my alarm I had said,
“I am cut off from Your sight.”
But You heard the sound of my pleading
when I cried to You for help.” Psalm 31 v 22
Dr Martin Luther King Jr – the human rights activist, man of great Christian Faith, scholar and one of the greatest human beings EVER said this…
““As my sufferings mounted I soon realized that there were two ways in which I could respond to my situation — either to react with bitterness or seek to transform the suffering into a creative force. I decided to follow the latter course.”
― Martin Luther King Jr.
Mahatma Ghandi – Indian pacifist , lawyer and leader..
“First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.”
Joseph – Jewish kid who was sold into slavery, falsely imprisoned for 3 years, made ssecond in command in Egypt, then he saved his entire family. He was approached by the very brothers who sold him to Egypt, as they were scared he would get revenge…
““Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You planned evil against me; God planned it for good to bring about the present result—the survival of many people. Therefore don’t be afraid. I will take care of you and your little ones.” – Genesis 50 , v 19b – 21a
So perhaps I don’t need to beat my tear stained self up . I am down. I am struggling. Even though I am in a special place naturally – my inner self is a little weary. IT IS OK…..
I know that God will lift me out of this present place – He always does.
Tonight before writing this I went for a walk..or at least my pathetic impression of a walk!
I looked at the peaks of the hills surrounding the chalet and I was determined to scale their bracken covered paths. I longed to ascend like the misty morning dew or cigarette smoke up your nose..instead I hobbled, limped, ouched n cried my way to about one third of the way..off the bottom.
My friend was brilliant as ever reminding me to be careful, take it easy, taking my hand. But that was my problem….
I don’t WANT to be careful. I dont WANT to need asssistance just to walk. I want to be impulsive and race to the top..PAIN FREE.
I WANT to dance again..twirling, swirling, noisy, free flowing energetic dancing that used to burst out of me when I was on top of a hill or surrounded by God’s Glory.
I want to be free to run and hop and skip and jump…
I DONT WANT TO BE DISABLED…….
But I am…..
Normally I can live with that. I can look at the endless list of awesome Blessings in my life that way, way, WAY outweigh any physical health hiccup. My kids, friends, Faith ( should probs have been first!), nationality, hopes and much, much more. This is what matters, what really counts.
Sometimes, however, like today..I want more. I want my old life back. The one before a mesh implant ruined my health and wellbeing and set me on this journey of disability and discovery.
Sometimes I need a wee reminder that even if my problems are B..I…G…to me..they are still held in God’s care..in His M..I..G..H…T..Y Right Hand..and mighty trumps big every time!!
Yes, it sucks that I am sore from head to foot just walking a little bit today..
Or that I can’t dance like I used to
OR that my medication has given me lots of horrible side effects..
I am still able to talk, laugh, hobble, hang out, read, love, Pray, sing- (albeit badly) – eat MnMs , watch movies with dogs in them and other important things!
My life is still my life. It can be as much fun and frolicky as I choose to make it. And it is a choice. I can be hurt, tearful, low and lamenting if I need to be..when I am overwhelmed and sad. And it’s OK…..I am OK…. I am still me. Still Lorna.
BUT……( These days I have a VERY big butt..see side effects of medication!)
I can also choose……… to laugh. To smile. To be impressed by Creation.To follow rainbows and ice cream vans. To meditate on how GREAT God is. To smile at a stranger. To care about somebody elses pain. To listen to a story I don’t have a part in. To watch reruns of Little House on the Prairie. To sing old Hymns. To Pray…..
So dear reader , bloggette or whatsoever you wish to be monikled , THANK YOU..because writing this and imagining somebody..even if it is just my ever loving God, cares enough to read it , has helped me this evening.
Tomorrow , as the lovely Scarlett O’Hara said, is another day….and I Pray I will be a wee smiley mass of sunshiny sunshine from start to finish..but if I am not, I will also be ok…
Life is not just rainbow like..it is grey somedays too…and I am learning to find the different shades of cloud just as beautiful as the better loved rays of sunshine.
It’s not fair..but it’s not finished either!!