So my 30 day Fast is on the last lap – YES!- and I can see the finishing line of peanut M&Ms in sight..or do I want them?
I have been doing this fast of no refined sugar/white bread/white rice/white pasta in an attempt to cleanse my body and Spirit. I want to see if the rubbish I have been eating is making a difference to my life physically or Spiritually…and it definitely is!
I am less sluggish and feel less bloated , which is a wonderful thing for me as I am very immobile and it can be extremely uncomfortable when you can’t see your feet for your tummy.
I have a Christian Faith that is a lot more see-saw like than I want – I am capable of crying God’s name from the rooftops as my awesome Saviour, or just crying in the valley as I bemoan my ever changing circumstances…I definitely notice a greater hunger for the things of God during this time – not to be confused with general hunger – I am turning to Him to Pray or read His Word or consider an answered Prayer..God really is AWESOME..Who else would listen to my inane dribbling for 24/7 with such Love, Gentleness and never ending Grace? ( This is a rhetorical question but the answer would be nobody)
Sooooooooooooooooooo..why would I even consider going back to sugary floury doughy things that clog and clutter? Well, they taste so good, that is why!
I have a confession to make – I succumbed dear reader, I slipped up, gave in – however you like to describe it, I HAD ICE CREAM!!
A huge plate of Italian , swirly loveliness with oodles of sumptuous raspberry sauce, accompanied by sweet, fruity little towers of tangy jelly goodness…OH IT WAS GOOD.
More than good, my tastebuds erupted with gratitude and joy as the creamy , sugary delight danced over my tongue…Ok, maybe I am exaggerating it’s tastiness..but only mildly.
The point is, I know it is still a temptation for me and I was so disappointed with myself for giving in. I have had a trying weekend , with my emotions all over the place and circumstances not so great but, although the sweet treats tasted good, they didn’t make me FEEL good. I don’t know if I just hate blowing something – but I certainly felt disappointment after the delight..Something I am used to as a fan of Scotland football team!..
HOWEVER..In days of old if I had done this I would have thought there was no point continuing and gorged myself back on all I had been denying myself..NOT THIS TIME..
I am back on the wagon, resisting temptation – probably should be attending sugary sweet things anonymous – and it feels GOOD…
Better still, it has reinforced the Gospel Truth to me that God forgives us our sins- now I know this Fast is not about sin , and eating ice cream is not up there in the Ten Commandments with a Thou Shalt NOT… but it is something I decided to honour God by doing – and these blogs are public..( ok, so my views per blog are hardly challenging the Kardashians for social media interest, but hey, I am new to this and unknown..but my butt is..never mind).so I do feel I am letting Him down a little…perhaps these things are what He will speak to me about, do I really trust God as a loving, kind, UNDERSTANDING Father, or do I still view Him as a crabbit Judge just watching to catch His children out doing something bad?
I can hear the gasps from good Christian people who may be offended by the last description of God – (I am used to putting my foot in my rather too large mouth around good Christian peeps) and the word “crabbit” is NEVER what my mind or mouth would use to describe the Almighty..but I am beginning to wonder if my heart holds on to a rather skewed image of Him. Why else would I languish sometimes under a cloud of doubt and disappointment? Feelings of always being a failure and letting God down..fears that He is really angry with me for getting everything in my life wrong.
I don’t have a conventional life..just ask my longsuffering children.I seem to repel order and invite chaos. Unexpected guests are a joy to be entertained and embraced..after I have recovered from my embarrassed heart attack that other human beings will enter my mess….I start projects with gusto and all the enthusiasm of sixty six year olds at Disney on Ice..but when hurdles come or difficult circumstances- I swiftly move on to another bright idea..I have a GAZILLION bright , shiny ideas that I am super keen to complete..just not if they require attention to detail or perseverance through citicism or lack of funds!
So, what can we budding Sherlocks deduce from my weekend of woe..my dessert plate of shame? ICE CREAM GATE as I like to call it…
I think for me….God is still my focus and I LOVE that..but yummy, gooey, calorie laden loveliness can never be taken without a cost. It is a FALSE VIEW of ice cream to think one wee plate won’t do me any harm, ( truthfully, I had two and they were massive) , but now it is a harder battle to fight off the cravings again – and my stomach actually didnt react the way my taste buds did. It seems that my insides are enjoying being looked after with fresh vegetables and fruit along with brown bread/pasta/rice etc…it’s a false view of temptation to think it wont make a difference .rather like when I take a false view of God..believing that He is something and someone He is not. It keeps me from running right into His Arms- where I really, really want to be.
So, for me, giving in to the temptation to doubt God , or the temptation to eat sweets I decided to give up is just wrong…and I am Blessing both my body and Spirit by cleansing them both with the Goodness they deserve.