Its Day 10….SUGAR FREE FOR DOUBLE FIGURES..(and white bread/white flour/pasta/lots of good stuff too!)..and still standing! (Although technically as I use a wheelchair I am sitting but you get the point)…..and without assault charges..this is going better than anticipated.
I am Fasting all the “white stuff” to see if it cleanses both my body and Spirit…( sadly I hoped this meant giving up the washing machine and cooker too, but alas no) ..I am hoping to feel healthier than my present highly medicated, overweight, immobile, stressed self does- but more importantly for me, I am hoping to get closer to God, as my Christian Faith has been a little murky of late.
It is not that I have stopped believing the Truth of the Gospel – of the Eternal life Jesus bought me through His death on the Cross and Resurrection..or how I will spend eternity with my Father God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit in Heaven when the earth passes away ..it’s just I can’t FEEL Him. I am floundering with mood swings, pain, confusion, fear..and I LONG for a real, deep encounter with my Father God. ( Over coffee and cake preferably..no, no, NO!!)
I know there is a secret place where He reaches me with a force of LOVE & COMFORT that blows me away… because I have felt it before..it’s just for just now, my Spiritual ears seem to be full of Spiritual Ayrshire tatties!!!
I am certainly more attuned to my Faith since I started this Fast..I talk to God much more – and that is already reaping rewards…(for me at least, whether the Almighty thinks my increased inane chatter is a good thing or not we can only guess !)..
I spend time talking, Praying, thinking about God. What I need to do more of, is LISTEN…Yes, the object of my desires, the Great and Almighty God speaks. In the Bible. Through the sunset. Waterfall. Rainbow. Other believers. Prayers…all these things are a means to hearing His Voice.
So, today, I tried being quiet. Still. Open….Alert..and….Actually, as I waited, all that happened was my “to do” list popped into my mind and I started to consider what I would tackle next. Meh… ( Seriously though, the washing or this blog……guess which one I did!?)
What is wrong with me ? I cried silently- Why do I always fail at things?
“You are not failing, but just not Trusting me” , I sensed a voice say..just like a whisper or a heartbeat..faint, but I knew I heard it…
My Spiritual eyes were saucer like at this point and my Spiritual ears had dislodged the tatties too..”Lorna, I am here, I know the cries of your heart..the tears of frustration.BRING EVERYTHING TO ME..AND TRUST ME TO CARRY IT”
..The Almighty just spoke to me..WOW.. Me..the least of the least according to the negative narrative running round my head…How do I know it wasn’t just too much cheese? Well, apart from the fact I haven’t had any cheddar today..I have a sense of Peace..a sense of not being alone on the INSIDE..Does that even make sense? It does to me folks..I have a wee joy, a sense of Hope that has been missing..that I felt growing last night as a friend and I sat mesmerised by the sunset..I can see Him..and now, just a little bit, I can FEEL Him. Emmanuel. God is with us.
Romans 10:17 ESV
So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ.
John 10:27-28 ESV
My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand.
This fasting of rubbish in my physical body may just be impacting me Spiritually too. Suddenly I am less “cluttered” in my head. Not completely I must say…after all, there is a dollop of drugs crawling through my brain and bloodstream that could guarantee me entry to the Priory as a priority!!..but enough space for me to sit typing, on day 10 , about the way I was touched today by God, how He encountered me in Costas and brought hope..to my sugar free , chocolate-less soul…..YESSSSSSSSSS
So, I may just make it till tomorrow. My physical body is disagreeing completely..insisting that the only way to reach maximum health is to partake of a giant pack of peanut M&Ms right NOW…
Ok, I confess, I thought about kidnapping the small child who was given a triple chocolate chunk cookie and proceeded to break it up and throw it AWAY..AWAY I tell you..into that horrible place called “DIRTY”…It was just lying there, unloved and unwanted..discarded before fulfilling it’s purpose..and this little…eh..darling, was crying for another thing altogether..he wanted a rocky road apparently…( another good choice..at least Junior knows his sweet treats!!)..I began hatching a plan to distract the mother and smuggle small child and large cake in my bag..but the father came with a tray of hot drinks too and my resolve melted..I relaxed..
So, physically I seem to be yearning for the very things I am Fasting..it’s tough..but, and this is really exciting, my Spirit seems to be stretching for the Way things used to be…for a time where I EXPERIENCED God in my SELF…In RELATIONSHIP…And I am more than happy to ditch the doughnuts for the deity…trash the toffee for the Almighty..I want His Presence..and not even hot, crusty white bread toasted or some pralines n cream ice cream with a chocolate flake crumbled over the top can compete…really…seriously…now thats a MIRACLE!!