So..the observant follower of this 30 day Fast of artificial white stuff n sugar will notice there was a blogging black hole between day 4 and today…it was caused by a force larger than logic and more persistent than PPI claims callers…MY OWN STUPIDITY!!!!
I am on this challenge to cleanse my body and spirit..which have both been pretty sluggish of late..(so please don’t throw salt over me if you see me crawling up your path!!) and challenging it most certainly is.
My hope is that through cleansing my body..( or killing it by cravings) , I will also use the experience to cleanse my spirit. I have a strong..or so I thought ..Christian Faith , but I’ve been struggling to hear from God clearly..so perhaps this time will draw me nearer, clearer and freer…( is that a word?)
I have a confession to make..I SLIPPED UP..I GAVE IN….I CHEATED….meh..
So what do you think I took? Chunky kit kat?, Peanut M&Ms? , hot, white toast? All of the above?
ACTUALLY, IT’S NOT BEEN ON THE FOOD SIDE!!!
Yes, still no sugar has passed my lips..unfortunately over the weekend, neither did many Prayers….
I have struggled with the denial of all things tasty..(ooohhh for a portion of triple cooked chunky chips with a burger in a white flour bun and a thick milkshake)…..but I have actually been using this experience to cleanse my mind too..to come to my Bible or to God through Prayer when I feel anxious or troubled..using each hunger pang as a wee Prayer reminder..but for some reason..well, stupidity really, I stopped seeking God at the weekend and sought ME!!!!!!!!!
It all began Friday night – I went to a concert my friend was giving to share the story of how awesome God has been in his life – complete with his singing, Japanese guests and a ceilidh. It was AWESOME ..and I even resisted the tempting tray bakes…(although I am pretty sure I heard a Victoria sponge call my name)..
Anyway..I ignored the yummy distractions and focused on Jesus. He was in our midst as God was Praised, friendships were being formed..and the lovely fiddler fiddled.
And then it happened..The ceilidh part began and I said HEE YEUCH to feeling sorry for myself..I sat in my wheelchair – not thinking about God and how much He is Loving and changing me – no, I thought about how I loved to dance, how I loved to cartwheel n walk n hike n skip.(not at the same time of course!).how I envy everyone who was whooping and hollering with such obvious fun..I thought that my life is not what I want it to be..I thought its just NOT FAIR!!!
I sensed God wanted to speak to me, to assure me and encourage me – I decided to ignore Him.
I decided I didn’t want to hear wise Words..I wanted to DANCE! (For anyone who doesn’t know I am suffering chronic pain constantly through nerve damage..so far dancing hasn’t been recommended!)
So I did!
It was great fun. I shimmied, twirled my wheelchair with my butt, twisted and turned and had a great laugh as I DEMOLISHED the Dashing White Sergeant..(apologies to anyone whose ankles I clipped/wheeled over!)….
BUT THEN I SUFFERED
I got up out of my chair to get into my friends car and my pelvis..which was on fire at this point..just seemed to scream! My legs gave way and I found myself kissing the ground beneath me…kind of Pope John Paul 2 but without the dignity..
So I let the tears fall along with my good intentions….the rest of the weekend saw me unable to drive, and unwilling to seek God.
I WAS MISERABLE…and didn’t draw near anyone but the cast of Criminal Minds and major self pity! Instead of accepting I was an eedjit and moving on , (albeit limping and slowly), I thought some more about how God must be disappointed with me ..and how I can never quite accomplish ANYTHING!!! ( Yes, I blew my 30 day Spiritual Cleanse Champions medal ceremony!!)
I allowed how my physical body felt to impact my Spiritual choices..and it wasn’t pretty.
Out of my mouth came arguing, strife, point scoring, growls, childish antics, accusations and vile rubbish..out of my heart came fear, envy, anger and doubt…Oh how much I need to learn humility ( Oh how much I need to learn to shut my mouth) …I SUCKED!
So there you have it dear reader… I SUCCUMBED… I STOPPED MY SPIRITUAL CLEANSING ..I ROLLED IN THE MIRE OF MY MIND…and it was stinking in there!!
I am now a bit more committed to this.(to listening to God, not to an asylum..yet!!)..really aware that my body and all its woes really does affect my Spirit..I need to look after both….and turning my bruised back on Jesus is a recipe for disaster..(even if it is sugar free!!)
I love the Grace and Faithfulness of God who has been by my side throughout it all.And Jesus didn’t once say I told you so Lorna , instead He said,
28 “Come to Me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 All of you, take up My yoke and learn from Me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for yourselves. 30 For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”Matthew 11 v 28-30
I am also very grateful to the love and forgiveness those closest to me are showing me as I journey through this valley..not only the Fast dear reader, just the heavy medication and constant pain..if I don’t give this struggle to God for strength..I mess up big time!
My friend who drove me everywhere and listened to my nonsense has been AMAZING. I Pray I can return the love & acceptance someday.
So , hopefully lesson learned – I am back on track… eh…well…. that’s if if a salted caramel milkshake is without sugar?!!!!!!