So..here is my 6th blog..not quite on schedule as I planned to write one each month…still, I also planned to marry one of the Bay City Rollers and that never happened either..
This blog is a little bit Bon Jovi and a whole lot of Sam Cooke…it’s Straight from the heart ..and yet a Change is Gonna Come..(smooooth!)
I am talking about SHAME..shame shame shame…..(are you singing that like a sixties soul legend ? I am…)
Shame is horrible. It covers me yet seems to expose me at the same time. It usually starts for me with a red hot warmth that seems to creep all over me from the inside out. It also makes me shrink!
So, what am I havering about now?
Ever since I have been a tiny little Lorna who understood right from wrong ..( or sweets from early bed as I liked to call it) ..I have hated making the wrong choice and feeling like I’ve done something “bad”…..
I don’t remember when I first experienced shame..but I know it SUCKED!!
It may have come when I told my mum i didn’t want to invite the girl nobody spoke to to my birthday party…or when I inadvertently placed the unwrapped piknmix in Woolworth’s in my mouth without paying..or when I got caught telling lies about something really important like who crayoned over my friends jotter…or a multitude of anythings before I was even into double figures.
I have always been a people pleaser..well, unless you are a right wing , fascist, racist, homophobic, put cats in a microwave type….. I’ve always been concerned that I be liked..which also has conflicted with having a big mouth that hates injustice and has to shout loudly at any hint of it!
I want to boldly tell the world I love Jesus and believe the Bible to be the truth, but so often I smile weakly instead and make everyone a cup of tea!
Or when a bully is intimidating someone , or a situation requires risky honesty, I do stand up and face the fear..just later on, in the comfort of my own home.
I also must confess that , on occasion when cruelly forced to , I have indulged in the past tie of road rage…
It’s not really the “crime” you have committed – the lying, stealing, anger, cheating, violence, lusting etc ..these things are bad enough in themselves..no, it’s the look on a loved ones face after you spurn them , or let them down or betray them..it just feels SO SO BAD!!
Now, if I were a chicken , I would most definitely be an Autumn one – certainly not an earlier season – but, even so – with all my wealth of wrinkle adding wisdom or cellulite causing capabilities…I still choose the sucky thing to do, time and time again!! WHY?
WHY would I actually CHOOSE jealousy?Anger? Criticism? I have no desires to deny anybody anything..(again, that racist blah blah type is not included in the anyone category!!)..yet this is probably the biggest area I struggle . I feel a red , hot rush of emotion crawl its way over me even typing this, HELLO shame!!! ..AM I THE WORSE PERSON ON THE PLANET? I don’t actually know my triggers..It is absolutely NOT that I begrudge ANYBODY ANYTHING…No, on the contrary, I Pray for folks to do well, I help people and encourage them whenever I can and I genuinely cheer other peoples successes..( which as a Scottish football fan can seem a short lived, seldom exercised pursuit!)…yet for no apparent reason, I can suddenly feel threatened, overlooked, angry, isolated..I DON’T REALLY KNOW…I JUST FEEL RUBBISH..It never lasts, it’s just an ugly rush of emotions..instantaneous..gone in a heartbeat..but it’s replaced then by the SHAME… the realisation that I’ve done it again. I have allowed some basic instinct, (trying to erase Sharon Stone & Michael Douglas from my mind right NOW!!) to erupt within me and cause trouble.
You see, when I feel jealousy or anger..or any other nasty emotional stuff… I think horrible thoughts of comparison..or my brain , which struggles to process the spelling of my name and address on a good day, suddenly kicks into gear like a retro computer and I can recall in glorious technicolour every imagined slight or snub or situation I should’ve been but haven’t been noticed/appreciated/heard/considered/thanked/loved…even though they are often my own misinterpretations , enhanced by horrible hormones and mischievous memories..SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS!!!
Since I have become ill, my life has changed dramatically – and I would love to tell you my emotions are under control with the power of perspective..NAH….I am as messed up as ever, I just have more time to consider these things.
I know I am not alone – (Michael Jackson told me so!!) – so many of my friends confide in me that they struggle with similar..yet we all hang our heads in shame..and condemn ourselves with our inner sharp tongues..( mines is making like a Jamie Oliver chopping knife even as I type this!)
Well , I am declaring WAR on the SECRECY of SHAME..I am writing this, not because I am proud of it..but because I know it doesn’t define me.
Sure, I wish I never spoke to my kids sometimes as if their very presence annoyed me ..( ALTHOUGH………….kidding!), ..or looked at how successful my friend’s marriage/career/parenting/Faith/writing/relationships/figure/life is and thought, “It’s not fair!” or “That should be mine”,…or lusted after Elle MacPherson’s body, ( to have as mine, not in a sexual way) , or that I harboured criticism of someones efforts for NO other reason than I felt overlooked..I truly wish I had a sweet, kind, loving, generous Spirit 24/7…BUT I DON’T!!!
(Plus I LOVE my friends successes and want more for all of you…and I wouldn’t be able to wear my new flowery trousers if I had Elle MacPherson’s body!)
I AM OUTING MYSELF OF MY SHAMEFUL THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS…..because I want to be free!!
Maybe if we all accepted that we are imperfect and shared HOW..We could actually help one another through these emotions..at least the folks we trust who care and know us best. I LOVE PEOPLE – I AM ONE……AND I WANT TO BE THE BEST LITTLE PERSON I CAN BE…
As you know I am a Christian, (Although not as “good” as Mother Theresa, it’s not fair!) and I love the Bible , ( although not as much as John Wesley, its not fair!), I also hate injustice and cruelty, ( although i’m not as effective as Nelson Mandela, it’s not fair!), I want to love my neighbour as I do myself, ( although I am not going to die on a Cross like Jesus, It’s not fair… THANK THE LORD!!!)…you get the picture, at the end of the day, Chesney Hawkes was right..WE ARE THE ONE AND ONLY’S…AND THERE’s NOBODY WE (should), RATHER BE!!!
My life is just that, MY LIFE..I don’t want to waste time on shame, nastiness or anything else that’s toxic.
If you are reading this and are thinking, “I have no idea what she is talking about, I never struggle with these things”..then REJOICE..LOUDLY. You are free from some horrible stuff…if you ARE like me and sometimes despair of your own weaknesses..PLEASE MESSAGE ME OR COMMENT OR TELL A FRIEND..(That you trust to be honest too and support any plans you have to overcome)..MAYBE NEXT TIME I FEEL OVERLOOKED I WILL ACTUALLY SAY..Or maybe i will rather stick my finger in a sheeps’ stomach whilst wearing purple crimpolene trousers..I don’t know..but I know im tired of feeling like crap for feeling like crap…I WANT TO LOVE LIKE JESUS..SO FREELY, SO FULLY, SO WITHOUT FEAR…
Life for me with my Christian Faith has been lived out with a serious of bust ups – Jesus loves me passionately, I accept that , then reject it , run to Him, then run away..I am as contrary as that woman named Mary who gave out horticultural advice..(One for the oldies who read nursery rhymes!!)..
but through it all, He offers me protection, a lot of love and affection, whether i’m right or wrong….hey, wait a minute……Robbie Williams is right, just about God not angels….and although God’s Love is CONSTANT, He does ask that I put others before myself, that I love even my enemies, that I think GOOD thoughts and meditate on GOOD things, pure things, Heavenly things, Peacefilled things, Loving things..when I do, there is NO place for SHAME..NO PLACE AT ALL…
So, blog reading lovelies.. my little rant is over, I am as exposed as a Kardashian and feeling actually quite good. I am NOT A JEALOUS, ANGRY, CRITICAL person – as those who know me will hopefully agree – but, on occasion, I struggle to contain these emotions…but now, as a way to move forward, I propose we all have a group hug and declare our own personal war on SHAME…Let’s offer love and encouragement , with a pinch of honest humour thrown in too……( I will accept all kind offers of paid weeks away in secluded luxury cottages by the sea on account of my honesty..and just ahead of being deported on account of being a very vile individual!!)..we all struggle with SOMETHING ..Let’s not make it worse by internalising and exaggerating it…then condemning ourselves in SHAME…Let’s leave that to the few people we know who are actually ALWAYS jealous/angry/nasty/critical…they are so much better at it than me, it’s not fair!!